Milk and Ketamine: Poems by a Basic Bro

You’re at a car wash one day and you encounter an old lamp. You decide to give it a rub like you’re a thirteen-year-old boy after seeing half an image on your mom’s old dial-up powered computer. Out pops a genie. The entity says he will grant you one wish. You’re clever, so you wish for a fairy who can grant you all your heart’s desires. The genie complies, but the fairy he sends is Andy Dick. Unfortunately, Andy is high all the time, so he keeps screwing up your wishes.One day you wish for a cool new poetry book, but he is so inebriated that he sends you an army of radioactive, Ugandan raccoons. They soon form a cult around you and start overthrowing governments in your name. As Emperor of the radioactive Ugandan raccoons, you command them to find you an awesome poetry book. They search long and wide, but fail their task. Instead, they bring you some of Sydney Sweeney’s bath water.You decide, “what the hell”, and go ahead and use it. But that’s when you realize it’s actually Nathan Lane’s bath water, which also contains magical properties. You now have the power to make those around you sing musical showtunes at a moment’s whim. You do this one day while at a CrossFit Convention. However, all they do is sing about CrossFit. This attracts the furries, who then breed with the CrossFitters forming hybrid CrossFit/Furry abominations.You can’t let this stand, so you yell Andy Dick’s name three times. He reaches into his pants and, for once in his life, doesn’t whip out his member. He hands you a poetry book—but not just any poetry book…this very one! You read a poem from it, and bam! The Furry CrossFitters are gone and the world is now at peace.Enjoy! Read more